I am in a reflective, thoughtful mood tonight, brought on by my University course work, no doubt. Much of what we’re doing in this unit involves personal reflection as I work on defining my personal world view, situating myself as a person and as a student, understanding what makes me want to learn, what I will do with the things I learn, where this will all take me in the years to come. It’s caused me to turn inward and examine myself in ways that I know are advantageous, because they are methods I have used in my personal life and my spiritual life for years anyway.
What I am finding, though is a trifle unsettling. Not with regard to learning. That’s still something I desire to do and which I think will be of use to me both now, and into the future. My problem is with discerning my world view and how that fits with some of the things I have been doing.
In defining my personal world view, I have established that I hold to a Cultural Creative perspective which is really interesting, and really gelled with me when I started to look into it in more depth. One of the aspects of that world perspective is that adherents to it tend to shy away from organized religion, even though we are deeply spiritual people. That is such a truism for me. I feel the pull of faith, and have always interpreted this to mean I should be in church, and yet when I go to church, I don’t tend to fit in for whatever reasons.
I don’t think it is a coincidence that just prior to my commencing this unit of study, two things happened which seem at first glance, unconnected and yet, tonight, I wonder if they were actually connected, and the Universe’s way of getting me to pause and take stock
The last time that I went to church, something was said in a sermon by a guest speaker which hit me like a dash of ice water into my face. It was nothing that anyone else would notice, I’m sure, but it slapped into me and left me gasping for a split second, and had me dash out of the church without pausing for long to speak with anyone after the service. I was left unsettled all week and really struggled with the idea of going back again. I had decided I would go back, resolving that the remark made could not have been meant personally, as the speaker didn’t know me and neither did he know anything about me.
Then, I went shopping and managed to lose my distance spectacles. I am not permitted to drive without them. Whilst I can drive in the daytime, because I have prescription sunglasses, I am not able to drive at night, because I need my distance glasses in order to see correctly so I have not been able to attend church since that night. Now, I want to make it extremely clear that I do not hold any grudge against the speaker, and the church I have been attending, I would recommend to anyone. The welcome I received there was tremendous and genuine and I would happily go back there again any time. I just don’t know if that is where I should be though.
I’ve not made any firm decisions either way, yet, but I am listening for the Spirit, Universe, God to guide me. I’m in a place of pondering and weighing. It’s never a pleasant place to be, but it is always always, interesting.
I’d appreciate your prayers, thoughts, anything you care to offer on my behalf as I continue to seek discernment on my path.