The event I am about to describe took place in 1991. I was 28 years old, married, a mother of three children and attending a pentecostal church. I was living life as a straight person, but that was a choice I had made. I chose that life because when I was young homosexuality was illegal in my state, believe it or not.
I was very sick at the time that these events occurred. I have since found out that I was probably suffering from Ross River Virus, but at the time I thought it was a severe case of the flu. I was a stay at home mother with three children aged 4, 2 and about 3 months.
My husband worked at that time so I was left at home with the kids even though I was very ill. I remember lying on the sofa most of the day. I had a loaf of bread and some peanut butter, a bottle of made up cordial (cool aid) and some potato chips or twisties or something by my side and would stir long enough to fix the two older kids a sandwich and cordial or give them some chips for a snack. I also got up to feed and change the baby or go to the bathroom, but the rest of the time I slept while my two year old daughter brushed my hair and sang nursery rhymes to me. I felt sick enough to die. I wanted to die. I was miserable.
I had been sick this way for a couple of days when two sweet elderly ladies from my church knocked on the door. They asked me if they could take my older kids to the park for a couple of hours so that I could get a good rest. I gratefully accepted and sent James and Hannah off with them. Kaylah, my baby had just been fed and was down for a sleep, so I decided to take a nap. We had a water bed back then, the old rubber bladder ones and the coolness of it against my fevered skin was heavenly. I was very soon, fast asleep, and in my sleep, I was transported away to a beautiful stream of running water.
The stream was so crystal clear and full of life! I could see the bottom was made from sparkling granite with flecks of gold in it. I was carrying Kaylah in my arms and the water was so inviting that I waded in. I scooped some up in my hand and tasted it. It was cold and refreshing and tasted sweet and pure. I bathed Kaylah’s head with it, and then started to play with her there in the water, lifting her up high over my head.
That’s when I saw the light. Or at least, that’s when I became aware of it. It was behind banks of clouds that were so huge and fluffy, I thought I could reach out and touch them. I lifted up a hand to try to touch them and suddenly, my baby and I were flying towards them at an amazing rate. I was not afraid and Kaylah seemed to be loving it! We flew on and on through each bank of clouds, the light growing brighter with each one we passed until finally, I knew that there was just one last bank of clouds between it and me.
I heard a voice then. It was not a male or female voice, just… a voice. It’s hard to explain.
“If you come any further, you can’t go back.”
That’s all it said. I stopped and stared at that one last bank of clouds and as I hovered there, I felt an incredible sense of love. I was wrapped in love as though it was a physical blanket wrapped around my shoulders. Immersed in it, bathed in it and I just wanted to stay there forever.
At the same time, I was suddenly aware of my every failing, my every weakness, my every secret as though they were laid out on a table in front of me. I could also sense my every strength, my every success, my every joy. There was no judgement. It was just as though the entity in the clouds said “This is how I see you. It’s just what it is.”
I don’t know how long this took. It only felt like micro-seconds. I realized then, that whoever had spoken was simply waiting. It was not pressuring me, it was not impatient, it was not unkind. It wanted only to know what I would choose. Go on and see the light behind the clouds or not?
I looked down at my baby daughter in my arms, and said: “What will happen to her if I go on?”
Instantly I was awake. In my bed in my house and completely free of the illness I had when I laid down!
I got up and went to check the baby. She was sleeping quietly in her crib.
A little while later, the ladies came back with James and Hannah and they could see immediately that I was well. I didn’t tell them about my dream, but I said I felt much better and they rejoiced because they had prayed for me while they were at the park.
I kept that dream stored away in my heart and didn’t tell anyone about it for years. It’s only in the last few years since I came out, that I have told people about it, because when I was wrestling with Faith Vs Homosexuality, I was reminded of my dream, and the entity I met in it.
Thinking about it, I realized that when all of my strengths, weaknesses and whatever else were laid before me, the fact that I was gay did not come into it. I believe the entity I met knew that I was gay, but to that entity, that was not important. What I had done with my life was important. The way I treated others, was important, but who I was, who I am, was not on the table.
Did I meet God that day? I don’t know. The entity I met had traits that I have heard ascribed to God. It was loving, patient, kind, all knowing… etc.
Did I meet my higher conscience? I don’t know. The entity I met had attributes I have heard ascribed to higher conscience.
Did I have a dream brought on by a chemical reaction in the brain caused by oxygen deprivation? Maybe.
Was I near death? Possibly. I wasn’t in a hospital where they could monitor such things, so I don’t know.
All I know is that I met Love that day and it did not find me wanting. There was nothing in me, or about me, that could have prevented me from going on into that light.
That’s worth more to me than any preaching, any bible verse, and science that could tell me what I am is not worthy.
Love and Light